Enzotiquely Enzotica

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-01-01T00:08:00.002+08:00

It's new years eve and here i am alone at home. I don't even know why I'm sad... or why i've been doing alot of thinking. What will the year 2009 hold for me?

I will be enlisting in 2 months time. Change of environment and all. Where boys become men, or so they say. Only time will tell.

Someone will be flying off again. And this time I actually teared thinking about it. I never did the past few times. Does this mean my feelings have surpassed what it used to be? Could I wait another 2 years for you to come back and stay for good. I don't want to date around anymore. This entire time you're here i've been happy. Knowing i'll probably see you again soon. Then it hit me... you're leaving in a few days time... again.

I just received news at 11pm... an hour before 2009. My dad's cousin who have been battling cancer just drew in her last breathe.

Year 2008, holds good and bad memories. I just hope and pray for a good 2009. Happy New Year to me.....

Excuses, excuses, excuses

2008-12-02T00:13:00.002+08:00

i'm back online...... gosh! what? it's been like ages since i last blogged. before all start accusing me of being lazy, let me explain myself. There were several reasons why i stopped blogging... some valid, n some maybe invalid.

here are some of the reasons...

i was healing a very broken heart

my desktop crashed

my laptop's infested with viruses i couldnt access Internet Explorer

i simply wasn't inspired to write

i was too busy looking for a job

i didnt bother uploading any pics thus no pics here either

and the last reason...........

I WAS LAZY!!!!

but what matters is i'm back again. =)

Loving Life

2008-10-07T01:33:00.003+08:00

i've done my part.... i've seeked forgiveness... and if even during this beautiful month of Syawal, you can't find it in your heart to forgive me. I raise the white flag.

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on a brighter note..... i've finally passed my Final Year Project. Yes, I am a graduand. Now I just await NS and my graduation ceremony in May 09.

Things just keep getting better doesn't it?

NS

2008-09-19T06:13:00.004+08:00

Over the past 2 weeks, one by one my friends went in to serve National Service... some were okay with it some were not. It'll be my turn pretty soon and I wonder what it'll be like.

No point feeling all horrible about it cause like it or not don't really have much of a choice. Still have to go through. This clip is hilarious though... i smiled throughout watching this. enjoy!

Open a new page

2008-09-09T04:17:00.003+08:00

i'm closing the book and burning it.... along with all the articles from the past few months.

Closed the book sometime back but I realised keeping it with me will only make me want to flip open the pages again and again.

It is time........

I've got to be strong and I know I can do this.

This chapter of my life has ended and a new 1 will begin...

Like u said, i'll go to hell.... and i ain't turning back. You can die for all i care.

040608

2008-09-06T00:47:00.002+08:00

Such a meaningful date....

been 3 months since

never forgot never will.

for it means much... to me.

2008-09-05T15:14:00.002+08:00

When you already see someone as perfect no matter all the flaws that person have...

When no matter how mad you feel after an argument, you don't stay mad for long...

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something happened as i was typing that...... tore me apart. and all my wonderful thoughts went away. now its.........................

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i'm leaving not coz i dun care but coz u don't need me anymore. i'll disappear and it won't even be your fault..........

goodbye

i don't see a reason to live.

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will always be here

2008-09-02T02:45:00.003+08:00

don't get me wrong i ain't angry at you... you know it's always been hard for me to even stay angry at you.

truth is..... i miss the old times. i miss it when i had you to myself. i miss spending time with you and being happy, not worrying about anything or anyone else. i miss when we could just look at each other and laugh at that. Most importantly.... i miss you.

and since i kinda lost all that..... i'm sorry i'm all sour.

i never thot it'll have to end this way

2008-09-01T15:08:00.003+08:00

LIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIARLIAR

The frustration's so unbearable. No amount of sorries is going to make up for the fact that

you lied

you were nonchalant

you said u cared but did otherwise

we were supposed to talk things out but you were on bed with someone else

you FUCKING MADE OUT IN FRONT OF ME KNOWING I WAS A WRECK AS IT IS!!!!!!!!

ASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHOREASSHOLE BITCH SLUT WHORE

^^^^that's not for you, that's for HIM!

So now leave me alone... you have him anyway. I'll make things less complicated for you. He is complaining that it is very complicated. With me out of the picture maybe it'll be easier for you aite? You'll do everything guilt free..........

I see him laughin in the back. Smiling. Getting what he wanted. I felt the photo in my cam was DELIBERATE. The gigantic lovebite was DELIBERATE. I admit defeat. I don't play these games cause i think they're SICK.

Lastly, i hereby lift that promise i made to you. No you do not need to care about it. Cause you WON'T find out what's gonna happen. Go occupy yourself with thoughts of HIM.

Goodbye my love, my mentor, my friend........

n btw, here's a tip.... next time if you say

you still care about someone

that the someone still means much to you

that you still love the someone

you still miss that someone........

if you're gonna make him experience what I did on the night of Saturday 30th August 2008.... just stab him with a knife through the heart aite..it's faster n less tormenting. I know i would have preferred that.

The sick games people play..................

follower

2008-08-29T13:34:00.002+08:00

i made plans for us.... and it's turned. all of a sudden it's someone else's plan. I was the one who was called to confirm if I'm going.

I made the plan thinking it'll be like before... a 2day 1 night trip. Before you go for your service, i know you wanted a trip. And I got it all settled.

All of a sudden it wasn't my trip to plan anymore.... more people were going and they made the plans. It hurts....... i wanted to talk and settle stuff and have fun. but now all i can do is follow.........

lost

2008-08-28T15:10:00.002+08:00

i'm lost with my unwavering love for you......

Dreaded

2008-08-23T13:46:00.005+08:00

I've forgotten what a peaceful night is like..... tears stream down my face as flashbacks go through my head. Sometimes smiling as i cry to myself remembering happy times, sometimes sobbing uncontrollably.

Even in the day, everything i see or do reminds me. How much we were around each other. how many things we've done together. My eyes are sore and red from crying and people have said i've changed. I don't want you to see me this way.

Sleep seems the only time my mind stops. But even sleep seems tough. Heading for bed only around 5am. Going through an hour or 2 of rolling around and sobbing. Ending up sleeping on a wet pillow. Only to wake up in about 3-4 hours.

All hopes dashed.... i feel it's all over for me. How i used to get over a relationship so quickly last time, just seem impossible with this one. My heart hurts as i feel it shattering slowly. How you got over me so quickly.

But just for you, specially for you.... i'll fake my smiles. Coz no, i don't want you to worry about me. Coz even I don't know now when i'm truly smiling or faking it. I guess my real and sincere smiles are when I end up smiling and tearing at the same time. Coz happiness to me nw is such a rare emotion.

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We were as one, babe

For a moment in time

And it seemed everlasting

That you would always be mine

Now you want to be free

So I'll let you fly

'Cause I know in my heart, babe

Our love will never die

No

You'll always be a part of me

I'm part of you indefinitely

Boy, don't you know you can't escape me

Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

And we'll linger on

Time can't erase a feeling this strong

No way you're never gonna shake me

Ooh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

2008-08-17T01:45:00.002+08:00

you realise how much you truly love someone only when they're gone....

lesson learnt the hard way

Sorry

2008-08-17T01:35:00.003+08:00

i'm sorry i was hurtful

i'm sorry i was mean

i'm sorry i wasn't really there

i'm sorry i called you names

i'm sorry i dashed your hopes

i'm sorry i wasnt able to give you what you wanted

most importantly....

i'm sorry i knew what you didnt need but i still did it anyway

i cry myself to sleep each night not able to forgive myself.....

but babe please.....

please forgive me

just can't

2008-08-12T13:50:00.001+08:00

these smiles are fake and I just cant begin how to describe what I feel inside......

"take a picture, it lasts longer!"

2008-08-07T14:37:00.001+08:00

i took ur advice.... i took many pictures. and true enough, they last longer.

040808

2008-08-05T11:06:00.004+08:00

maybe deep down I still hope it will all go back to happier times.....

then I remember I put you through so much misery and I don't want it to happen all over again.

I still haven't forgiven myself for that.

Nightmare

2008-07-17T11:32:00.002+08:00

i was in the bus on the way to school
as the bus passed your place
i saw a crowd gathered at the void deck
i alighted to see what the commotion's about

i pushed my way through the dozens of people
and there you were in a pool of blood
i screamed my lungs out
screamed like there was no tomorrow

and i woke up.

i'm scared. i wanna call you. see if you're ok. but NO.

i'm a turn off
i'm selfish
i'm a 2 faced asswipe
i'm a lousy boyfriend

kudos to that.

Failure's woes

2008-07-12T01:46:00.002+08:00

tears stream dwn my cheek as i look out the window
the sky is dark and the surroundings quiet

and i realise i'm all alone again
a failure

i need some form of release
something to take away the pain
no more ciggarettes
i'm done with pen knives...
wat i did was took some pills

i'm already feeling drowsy,
i'll just hope that sleep will temporarily
put my pain away.

tt's y i rather sleep forever.

I do

2008-07-12T00:15:00.004+08:00

u know tt u really love someone when....

after a heated argument and u guys part, u climb the over head bridge to cross the road and when u're at the top of the stairs, u have difficulty breathing with pains in ur chest. so painful u have to sit down for awhile. but after all that you still worry about the person and think of that person.

that person may talk about dying and everything... but as you sit down waiting for the chest pains to recede you think to yourself, maybe the one that is dying is you and you don't want to die just yet. Not with so many things left unsettled and the only thing you can think of is that someone whom you just argued with.

THAT is when you know you truly love someone.

Solitude, a purple ribbon & a tear

2008-07-08T00:16:00.002+08:00

an empty canvas

2008-07-07T04:19:00.003+08:00

it's 4am.... i cant sleep and i keep thinking of the same thing over and over again.

with all the anger towards my parents... and the sadness i feel for someone.... i came up with a painting in about 2 hours. I paint when i'm angry, i paint when i'm sad.

i paint whatever I am thinking in my head but I never tell people the meaning of my paintings. That is up to them to try and read my painting.

ps: i do not want us to be like an unfinished painting... i want our painting to be one full of vibrant colours.... but even that seems distant now. then again who says a black and white unfinished painting is horrible..... u just need to appreciate it.

Solitude

2008-07-05T14:46:00.002+08:00

stressed at home....

stressed even when i go out....

i wanna isolate myself keep it all in.

and suffer alone.

Voices in the head

2008-07-02T10:07:00.002+08:00

i never intended to bring misery.....

nw my mind just keeps replaying the words that have been said

n i conclude that i'm a failure....

Hard to say I'm Sorry

2008-06-25T02:30:00.003+08:00

Everybody needs a little time away

I heard her say

from each other

even lovers need a holiday

away from each other

hold me now

it's hard for me to say i'm sorry

i just want you to stay

stay with me....

and after all that you've been through

i will make it up to you

i promise you

baby....

and after all that's been said and done

you're just a part of me i cant let go......